Building Trust Whilst Upholding Standards
Teens want more freedom. Parents fear giving it. But here’s the paradox:
The more we trust them, the more responsible they can prove themselves to be.
No trust or responsibility can grow in a culture of suspicion, so we parents have to go first. We have to take the leap of faith in order for our kids to feel trusted and therefore show us (and themselves) that they are trustworthy
Trusting your teen doesn’t mean letting go of all control. It means guiding them towards empowered and meaningful self-leadership, so that they make better choices of their own accord.
So, how can we, practically, start to trust our teens more, whilst still maintaining boundaries that keep them safe and keep them on track?
1. Say “Yes” Strategically
You don’t have to agree to everything, but a willingness to genuinely consider what they are requesting goes a long way.
🔹 Instead of shutting things down with: “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
🔄 Try: “Hmm, tell me more about it. How do you see this working? What could make it a yes from my side?”
🔹 Instead of: “You already know the rule—no gaming on school nights.”
🔄 Try: “Okay, what’s your thinking here? Is there a way to balance what you want with getting enough sleep and staying on top of school?”
When teens feel they have a say in the rules, they’re far more likely to respect them and uphold them. (And if they don’t you can revisit an actual agreement that has broken down rather than an imposed rule that was always going to be tested and / or broken.)
2. Give Them More Responsibility
The best way to help teens grow into responsible adults is by starting right now to actually treat them like responsible young adults.
📌 Let them start to make some of their own decisions and rules—about curfews, study habits, and screen time (especially if these have been points of tension in the recent past).
📌 If they prove successful and responsible, give them more freedom. If they don’t? Speak with them about it, look for other solutions together, let them adjust and then try again.
🔹 Example: Instead of setting a hard bedtime that you constantly fight over and which undermines the sense of respect and connection in your relationship, let them propose one of their own and see if they can stick to it. If they become tired in the day or late for school then they’ll learn from some of the natural consequences and you have grounds for a further discussion.
But remember, trust should not be a test. Don’t prove them wrong and show that they are untrustworthy, everyone loses when we achieve this result. Give them time, be patient and take the long view for them to learn the deeper and more important lessons in life.
3. Trust, but Verify
This isn’t about blind faith—it’s about building a partnership where they know trust in any relationship is also earned and maintained.
✅ Check in with them openly but without controlling: “Hey, how did it go last night? Were you happy with how the evening went? Anything you think you could do differently to make it even better? Anything I can do to help just let me know”
✅ Give them lots of time and space to self-correct before seeing if you need to step in.
If they break a rule, rather than heading down the recrimination, punishment or judgement route, ask: “What do you think would be best from here? How could you make up for it from now on? What do you think the consequence should be to help support you to take responsibility going forward?” This shifts responsibility onto them and you may be surprised with what they come out with… sometimes harsher than anything we would consider appropriate.
4. Open the Door for Honest Conversations
If you want your teen to tell you the truth, make sure it’s actually safe for them to do so.
🔹 Instead of: “Did you or did you not drink at the party?” (which invites lying)
🔄 Try: “What actually happened at the party? Was there alcohol and did you have some? I’d love to hear the truth rather than have you hide things from me. Try me, I won’t be angry, I just want us to be able to speak about it all openly.”
📌 Share your own learning experiences as a teen, using your discenrment. Let them know mistakes are part of growing up and that you made some too.
5. Give Them a Safety Net
Your teen will make mistakes—but how you react to them shapes what they learn.
✅ If they get in trouble, instead of “I can’t believe you did this!” try: “Ok, well, that isn’t great is it? What do you think lead to this? What can you do differently next time? How can we come out of this stronger and more aware?”
✅ If they call you needing help, prioritise safety over punishment: “I’ll be there to pick you up, no questions asked. We can talk later.”
📌 Let them know that even when they mess up, they can come to you for unwavering support.
📝 Final Thought: When teens feel respected, listened to and trusted, they are far more likely to respect boundaries and act responsibly in return.
Trust them strategically not as a blanket / blind policy, be clear in your expectations and make them an active participant in their own growth, maturity and responsibility. This is how real self-leadership is built.
🎉 The Young Fire Parent Community Facebook Group is a great, supportive space where parents of teens come together for wisdom, encouragement, and real talk. We’d love to have you join us!
👉 https://www.facebook.com/groups/youngfireparents/
