The problem a lot of us face, as parents, is that we lack patience with our children in the crucial moments, when it really counts…!
We bottle it, basically, in terms of deeply trusting and keeping the faith with our own children. I know it because I’ve done it and noticed it.
I’m better at it now but that’s because I have a harsh mirror flashing at me all day in the form of my work. Can’t dish out advice to others that you are not following and implementing successfully yourself.
We watch them go about their lives and then when they don’t, for example:
work hard at school
self-regulate better with their screen or bed times
fulfil the daily or weekly households duties we expect of them
relate to us respectfully
We become exasperated, panicked and convinced they (our worst fear) don’t have it in them ! (Internal narrative: “We raised them wrong”, “spoiled them”, “were too soft” or “too hard on them” etc)
We quickly turn on them
We throw in the towel too easily
We give up on them (in a sense)
We decide that it’s time for us to save the day (again!)
We step in and righteously sort their whole situation out.
(Which they hate!)
And I totally get it.
We are severely provoked and the way forward, like in the mist this afternoon on my afternoon dogwalk, is not clear.
In my experience, both as a father and as a coach, the best results, the dream results, the ultimate results… come from taking the longer, more protracted route; from trusting in our children and in our deeper instincts to just continue to love and empower them, to wait for them to right their own ship, to learn over a long period of time and through much failure, to recognise their own short-coming or sloppy standards and rectify it for themselves, if not this time then next time.
This is what we should do, in my opinion but we are tempted all the way to collapse into punishment, conflict, dominance and other controlling mechanisms.
This morning was the first day back at school for my kids. They are 12 and 11 now, so not teenage yet, but there have already been many (good) ‘challenges’ of course, many of which are precursors of the teen years, changes and behaviour.
My son is very like I was and still am.
I’ll speak about myself rather than him since it seems more respectful: I am highly resistant to unsolicited instruction from others, proud (sometimes fiercely!), indignant in the face of unfair criticism or blame and naturally of a ‘relaxed’ and contented disposition shall we say (don’t call me lazy!).
So Sam and I have had to be very patient and very loving with him, yes, but also without being taken for a ride, made fools of or lead down the road to (apparent) ruin in our parenting of this utterly glorious child. He is truly a golden being (as they all are) who we simply mustn’t fail.
Despite my potentially liberal-seeming stance in a parenting sense, I am blessed, I would say, to also naturally know where the line is. I have always had a strong sense of where my boundaries are, and therefore where the greatest empowerment is (in my opinion), between letting things roll out naturally and speaking up powerfully when needed, where my own children AND some other people’s children are concerned.
It doesn’t matter if it’s other people’s children, I care just as much.
When we were living in our incredible community eco housing setting in Bristol, when the kids were 0-8 years old, raising and educating 7 children together with a total of about 14 adults, 4 other parents and 10 adult friends, I was the one the kids would be sent to if the childminder or teacher hit a wall, needed a break or needed some fresh input on a challenging situation.
I was the end of the line and the one they least wanted to face. The kids and I laugh about this from time to time now, especially the ones I used to see fairly regularly, as they are now entering their teens. I have felt, tangibly, the immense benefits of speaking up in these ways to these children, an almost counter-intuitive sense of increased security, love and closeness that has grown between me and the children I used to see the most often in these kind of ‘headteacherly’ encounters.
Children need to know that there is a line and that we adults, teachers and parents can clearly and repeatedly show it to them, uphold it for them (and with them) and show them again and again the value of maintaining these boundaries in this collective way. It helps them feel safe, grounded and like they belong fully in the environment, culture and relationships they have been born into.
I realised, living with, co-parenting with and co-educating with 3 other families over a 7 year period that I was the one that was LEAST liberal in some senses! I was the MOST inclined to have issues with their ways of relating, to want to have what I saw were necessary boundaries and to uphold standards in our children’s group culture that others seemed either blind to or just not so worried about. I was fascinated by it for one thing, obsessed by the details and subtle nuances and of course it has now become my work 🙂
I’m not saying I was always right then or that I am always right now. But I love to create relationships with children - mine and all others - that are fun, loving and open but also deeply respectful, dignified, safe and empowering for all, adults and children alike.
Which brings me back to this morning and my awe at my son’s maturity, responsibility and all-round self-leadership.
I have long been struck by my daughter in this way because all this stuff comes very naturally to her and has done since birth.
But for Alby it’s been a slower climb and a longer route, a much more undulant trajectory where many times we as parents could have fallen into blame, criticism, judgement, recriminations or punishments and in doing so we would have crushed this part of him that we are seeing now:
Complete dignity, sovereignty and alignment with himself, with us and with our family values.
He’s unloaded the dishwasher, taken the lights off the Christmas tree, refilled the wood basket, packed his lunchbox for the next day, tidied his room, had a bath, brushed his teeth, gone to bed on time, read, put his own light out, got himself up early, made his own breakfast and made sure he had gloves and a coat for a cold day.
All with empowerment and dignity, without fear of recrimination, judgement or punishment, and with that subtle but profound (and private) kick of joy, pride and purpose in making all these beneficial contributions to himself and others that makes ALL the difference.
This is what brings real and much-needed meaning and validation to a teenage life, I would say: being of benefit, helping others, showing up positively, contributing in whatever ways and having a good impact on those around us.
We need, as parents and educators, to find skillful ways to help our teens out of obsessive self-service and self-focus, doing the bare minimum, thinking they are winning if they get out of chores or just generally don’t lift a finger.
Because they’re not.
It eats away at them, at their self-esteem.
Their lives can severely lack basic purpose and meaning in this way.
They’re not of any use to anyone (if they’re not contributing at all to those around them) and they start to feel it.
This is why we must resist indulging in controlling children, resorting to bribes or rewards to motivate or wading in with our big power to make my kids do what we think they should do.
It trashes small parts of their own dignity, self-leadership and self-trust.
It creates some of the teenage mess we see in the world today, the dysfunction, the confusion and the disappointment.
Kids who are consistently loved, trusted, respected and empowered retain the magic glow of integrity, groundedness, security and belonging that others sorely miss.
It’s my life’s greatest joy to see my own and all other children empowered to step up, be nurtured and supported in this way and to see these results coming out the other end:
doing the work on their own terms
contributing to their families without resistance
getting the grades under their own steam
growing in confidence, purpose and capacity
learning to be of benefit to themselves and others in their time on this planet.
We need this generation to align as much as possible with their own true selves, to find this level of exaltation and dignity and to retain, exhibit and spread the light they were all born with.
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